Zhao Yunlan calmly stared at the trio of villains standing opposite to them. This Boss – Ye Zun – looked suspiciously like a rip-off of Shen Wei, down to the palette-swapped copy of the Black-Cloaked Envoy's mask.
"How did you get out of the Sky Pillar?!" Shen Wei demanded.
"Zhu Jiu found the quick release button," Ye Zun said. Next to him, Zhu Jiu preened.
Zhao Yunlan spotted Da Qing twitch and shook his head in response. Ya Qing and Zhu Jiu could both escape immediately, and Ye Zun either had his own means of escape or could hitch a ride. On their side, Shen Wei could portal, but Da Qing and Zhao Yunlan weren't so lucky. Best to delay. They might even get some information out of their opponents if they played their cards right. "So, what-"
He was interrupted by a goose falling down from the sky.
In unison, Shen Wei and Ye Zun shouted, "Mom!"
The goose honked loudly. Shen Wei and Ye Zun glanced at each other, then both squatted down and joined the goose in a conversation conducted through urgent honks and gesticulation.
"I didn't know there were goose Yashou," Zhao Yunlan ventured.
"There aren't," Ya Qing said, just as unable to take her eyes off the honking.
"Mom's just a regular goose," Shen Wei interjected. The honked conversation had slowed down.
"You're brothers?" Zhu Jiu asked.
"Identical twins," Ye Zun said. He glared at Shen Wei. "Hatched from the same egg, raised by the same mother at the same pond, struggling together on the merciless path of life – until gege's cruel betrayal."
Shen Wei was stupefied. "What? What betrayal?!"
"I should've brought popcorn," Ya Qing murmured.
"Did you honestly forget selling me into slavery?" Ye Zun hissed. "You gave me over to the Rebel Leader!"
"He tossed me off the cliff while you were unconscious!"
Ye Zun blinked. "But-" His stance crumbled with his confidence, accusatorily pointing finger falling and body curling in on itself. "Gege?"
"I'm here," Shen Wei said, and pulled Ye Zun towards him. The goose put her wings around them and made appreciative goose noises.
The impromptu family reunion's unwitting audience looked awkwardly at each other. Well, Da Qing was as blasé about it as he was about everything that didn't involve fish, but Zhao Yunlan, Zhu Jiu, and Ya Qing had all been thrown a serious curve ball.
Wait. What had Ya Qing wanted – the revitalization of the Yashou? And given the state of Dixing, Zhu Jiu likely wanted a better Treaty, too.
Zhao Yunlan coughed. "I have a suggestion."
Due to a variety of reasons Lin Jing liked to claim credit for but were purely accidental, the SID's vehicle dock was only half inside the protective shield. Zhao Yunlan escorted his three special guests and one completely regular goose mother-in-law inside. They could discuss renegotiating the Treaty in comfort and privacy, but there was still a barrier preventing Zhu Jiu from up and stealing the Hallows and other such tricks.
"So. Ten thousand years is a respectable enough age, but it's time for our Treaty to join the modern era," Zhao Yunlan opened the meeting. He had two Yashou tribal leaders and the Black-Cloaked Envoy present. Hopefully that'd be enough to make a decent template. Especially with suggestions from the miscellaneous other people present. Like the Envoy's terrorist little brother.
His intended plans were interrupted by Lin Jing frantically rushing to the vehicle dock doors. "Chief! We have a problem! The Haixing Department of Supervision has sent people for a surprise inspection."
Oh, fuck. Zhao Yunlan desperately cast about for an excuse.
His eyes hit the goose. "Shen Wei," he asked, "can you turn into a goose for a bit?"
"Yes?"
"Tell the Department of Supervision people there's a goose on the loose," Zhao Yunlan said to Lin Jing. "Esteemed guests, please excuse the delay. Shen Wei, please come cause some goose-flavored chaos."
Shen Wei nodded and transformed into a goose. He looked just like his mother as he waddled into the SID to cause problems on purpose.
Set-up done, Zhao Yunlan rushed to the main hall. While Shen Wei flopped onto a desk with a big honk and tossed off all the papers, he went to the goons. "Good afternoon, esteemed citizens! This is a bad time, perhaps you could come later?"
The goons traded a look. One of them opened his mouth.
Before he could speak, however, a triumphant honk sounded out. Zhao Yunlan thought it came from the vehicle dock. Shen Wei was wreaking havoc on the computers' keyboards like the concept of digitalization offended his orange beak.
"Are there ... several of them?" the goon asked.
"It's a family reunion," Zhao Yunlan sighed.
"The Hallows!" Zhu Hong shouted.
Zhao Yunlan turned to look, and sure enough, Goose Mom had the Awl and Sundial with her, as well as the lantern his father had used as a paperweight and some large brush. She was flapping about as if unencumbered by the things she carried.
"It's a delicate situation, as you can see," Zhao Yunlan said. "Perhaps you could return later-" He felt something soft and wet hit his hair when Goose Mom flew above him.
"We can see that you need to concentrate on this situation wholeheartedly," the goons said, then made their escape before they could be pooed on as well.
"Catch that goose!" Zhao Yunlan ordered.
To his right, Shen Wei honked at his mother without any effect. The rest of the SID ran about like headless chickens, trailing Goose Mom with their mouths open to catch any further droppings.
Zhao Yunlan sighed. "Get a net or something, idiots!" As the boss, he pulled rank and whipped out his phone to ask the internet for advice.
Guo Changcheng ran up the stairs, declared he'd do it with that crinkle-nosed frown of his, then threw himself at the goose and missed. Thankfully for his continued existence and Zhao Yunlan's continued budget, he fell onto one of the couches instead of the floor.
Goose Mom honked in triumph, letting the Merit Brush fall from her beak. Zhao Yunlan took an involuntary step back even if he was well outside the potential fall zone.
Then the other Hallows all detached themselves from Goose Mom as well, and they all started circling at the ceiling. Zhao Yunlan thought they'd bring Goose Mom back to wherever she'd come from, but instead, they tugged him into their swirling vortex. As reality faded from around him, he heard Shen Wei honk in panic and Lin Jing shout something about the shield.
The Hallows deposited Zhao Yunlan at the edges of a battle. With goose poop still in his hair, he shot some random evil dude to save his precious Shen Wei, then was rudely abandoned. A conversation with Da Qing answered some of his questions – he had apparently been dumped ten thousand years into the past – but removed none of the goose poop from his hair.
He got more answers at the cave Da Qing led him to. The Alliance's heads, Fu You and Ma Gui, greeted him.
"What do you mean, ‘take his place’?" Zhao Yunlan asked once Da Qing had left.
"The Alliance is in a delicate place," Fu You said, then explained about the legendary warrior Kunlun whom they'd wanted to have join them only for the Rebel Leader to kill him first. "So please, take his place. The morale of our troops depends on it."
Zhao Yunlan sighed. Was this what the Hallows had had in store for him all this time?
"By the way, what is that thing in your hair?" Ma Gui asked.
"A goose shat on me," Zhao Yunlan said. "Do you have any bathing facilities? I'd like to get it out."
Ma Gui and Fu You traded a look. "It'll just have to be part of the great general's mystique," Fu You said.
Zhao Yunlan died a little inside. If people couldn't even fucking shower, tensions must be higher than the mountain Kunlun was supposed to have come from. No wonder there was a war going on.
He met Shen Wei again, and hoping the cover of darkness would cover the goose poop on his head, went off to converse with this adorable youth who would one day grow up into the man he loved. His ploy worked – or, at any rate, Shen Wei didn't ask about the goose poop or stare at it too much.
Of course, they were interrupted by Da Qing telling them they'd had war declared on them. Zhao Yunlan was a bit mystified about the fact they apparently hadn't been at war before, but decided to roll with it.
Rolling with it involved some dank cooperation with Shen Wei to shoot up the rebels sans the prior Rebel Leader but this time with some white-cloaked personage who was probably Ye Zun. Zhao Yunlan debated the merits of just shooting him now versus preserving the timeline, but the decision was made for him, as Ye Zun had some power to redirect his gun's bullets.
The Hallows had a power to redirect Zhao Yunlans, but that he already knew of. Nevertheless, being sucked out of the conflict just as his lovely Shen Wei was lying on the ground, hopeless and miserable, was the very opposite of fun.
Zhao Yunlan fell onto the SID floor from a manageable height. There was still goose poop on his head.
"You're back!" Shen Wei said from the couch, then patted the armrest in invitation.
Everyone else had already turned their attentions back to the ... perhaps it could be called a screen. It had a Hallow at each corner and its edges were slightly fuzzy.
The view showed Ye Zun be swallowed by the ground, Shen Wei follow him, and then a highlight reel of the Alliance disbanding. Shen Wei woke from the ground after a ten thousand year nap. The Hallows showed him getting some new clothes and start his modern-day Envoying before the view dissipated.
Zhao Yunlan looked down at Shen Wei from where he was perched on the couch's armrest. "Shen Wei," he asked, "did you truly pine ten thousand years for a guy who had goose poop in his hair?"
"It reminded me of home," Shen Wei defensively said.
Zhao Yunlan glanced at the goose propped on his and Ye Zun's laps. "Of course."
"I didn't know if the wormhole would bring you back," Shen Wei continued.
"Do you honestly think I'd let myself be taken away from your side?" Zhao Yunlan smiled.
Ye Zun mimed throwing up. Shen Wei honked at him.
"Chief?" Lin Jing said. "I, uh, took notes on the conversations you had with Fu You and Ma Gui about the Hallows. I have several research proposals we could-"
Before Zhao Yunlan could shoot him down, the Hallows rose up. The air shivered into a screen again.
This time, the scene was of an idyllic pond with a goose swimming on it. The evening darkened, and they watched Goose Mom eat the grasses and poop about.
Night fell, and with it a star from the skies. The speck grew and grew. Eventually, shape could be discerned; finally, it touched down onto the grass.
One of its sides irised open. A tentacled creature floated down.
The Goose Mom on the screen raised her head inquisitively and waddled over while the Goose Mom in Ye Zun's lap honked and flapped her wings, soundly thwacking Shen Wei in the gut and almost upending the table.
Someone cleared his throat to the side. Zhao Yunlan turned and saw his father. With a sigh, he climbed off the couch and went to deal with the crisis.
Zhao Xinci took in their surroundings and the people in them with a displeased mien, then turned his judgemental gaze to the goose poop in Zhao Yunlan's hair. "For your sake, I hope there is an adequate explanation for all this."
"I am attempting to broker peace between all factions of the conflict to end the spate of Dixingian attacks on Haixing," Zhao Yunlan stated in the most flat and officious voice he could manage. "This requires extended negotiation that was interrupted by the Hallows."
"Ah," Zhao Xinci said skeptically. His gaze wandered past Zhao Yunlan's shoulder. Whatever he'd been about to continue with was cut short by what he saw there.
Zhao Yunlan turned. On the viewscreen, the tentacle monster was giving Goose Mom the time of her life.
Zhao Xinci's expression spoke volumes. This time it was "I do not know whether to disapprove of your taste in porn or nature documentaries."
"The Hallows work in mysterious ways," Zhao Yunlan sighed.
His father raised an eyebrow. "Is that why a bird shat on your head?"
Zhao Yunlan opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. "Actually, yes."
His father raised his other eyebrow as well. "I expect a full report by tomorrow." Then he pivoted on his heel and left. Probably to avoid having any Hallows-induced bird crapping involve him.
On the screen, the tentacled creature had ejaculated, and Goose Mom was looking distinctly smug. The alien went back into its spaceship and left.
Then it was the time for more highlight reel, with Goose Mom laying a single egg that hatched into two identical goslings. She and her goslings stayed in the pond, living an idyllic goose life only occasionally interrupted by a Crow Yashou coming to drink.
What was probably the Hallows disrupted that by abruptly sucking up Goose Mom into a vortex similar to what she'd come out of. The two goslings suddenly had to figure out how to live on their own, which apparently involved shapeshifting into humanoid form and setting out as adorable kiddies. Their journey was tragically interrupted by the Rebel Leader guy Zhao Yunlan had shot at, who tossed Shen Wei off a cliff, then spouted some bullshit at Ye Zun and made off with him before Shen Wei could return.
"You're ... not from Dixing?" Zhu Jiu asked in a faint voice as the Hallows settled down onto the table.
"We always thought dad must've been, for us to get powers," Shen Wei answered. He sounded like the foundations of his world were currently closed for repairs.
Goose Mom snatched the Merit Brush off the table. She proudly painted on her sons' clothes. They didn't notice.
Zhao Yunlan covered his face with his hands. Were all Dixingians and Yashou simply the product of unions of tentacle aliens and waterfowl?
He sighed and decided all those issues were beyond his paygrade. "Let's just write up a new Treaty. You had suggestions?"
After the gargantuan effort of getting a draft version of the Treaty done in one day, as well as Zhao Yunlan writing a report for his superiors, they disbanded. Shen Wei and Ye Zun wanted to bring their mother to the pond, which meant that Zhao Yunlan and for some reason Zhu Jiu had to tag along. Zhao Yunlan still had goose poop in his hair. At this point, he might as well convince himself it was leave-in conditioner. Some sort of exclusive hipster hair treatment.
Goose Mom and her sons were having a honked conversation by the waterside. Zhao Yunlan didn't understand a thing, neither did Zhu Jiu, and it was going on forever.
A star pierced the haze of light pollution. First Zhao Yunlan's and then all eyes turned to it as it grew and grew.
It was the same fucking spaceship. Or an identical design, at least. An identical side irised open in identical fashion to reveal an identical tentacle alien whom Goose Mom was more than happy to see. She ran towards it as fast as her orange feet could take her, honking with joy.
The next bit that happened was also identical to what had happened ten thousand years ago. Zhao Yunlan would be more sympathetic of poor Shen Wei and Ye Zun having to watch their mother get laid twice in one day if not for how the image of a goose getting tentacled up the cloaca was now permanently seared onto his retinas. He wished brain bleach existed.
"Siblings?" Ye Zun whispered.
"Siblings!" Shen Wei enthused. They were utterly thrilled at the prospect.
The tentacle alien had finished shooting its load and went back to its spaceship. Zhao Yunlan thought he saw it wave before it closed the door and took off, but he might've just imagined it.
Goose Mom waddled to her grown sons, leaking alien jizz and very pleased with herself. Shen Wei and Ye Zun started fussing over her and talking about their upcoming little brothers and sisters. A noise of despair loosed itself from Zhao Yunlan's throat.
Zhu Jiu patted him on the shoulder. Zhao Yunlan tried to convince himself that everything would be fine. Even if geese pooped everywhere all the time.